DNA is funny


I have identical twin daughters that look very much alike, but are so opposite in personality, likes, dislikes, etc., that you end up in disbelief that they are even related, let alone ‘identical’ twins. Earlier today, one was acting like a….oh lets just say for lack of a better term; an idiot. Her sister on the other hand, who felt her superiority climbing higher and higher by the second on the ladder of life, decided to turn to me and say (while doing an extended arm wax on wax off maneuver), “Hey Mom, aren’t you proud?! Just think, 50% of that DNA is allllll youuuuu.” I casually turned to her and said, “Yep, you’re right. I cannot deny that. You got me there.” As I intentionally turned my back to the situation while hearing snickering behind me, I then timed it just right to drop the bombshell with……”Too bad for you that 99.999999% of that DNA is ALLLLLLLL YOOOUUUUUUUUU.” I closed with the wax on wax off.

Mom still rules in this house. Thanks DNA!

Advertisements

If Mistakes Could Fly, You’d Be A Superhero



If Mistakes Could Fly, You’d Be A Superhero by Kenyon Ledford is a quick and fun read full of whacky adventures involving Sergeant Joe Bidwell, Batman and Robin, Money Man and P.I. Jonny Gonzo. The ebook reminded me of a Dick Tracy, old-time good versus evil type of stories, which is a nice change of pace in this day and age.

The book is comprised of numerous short stories of various lengths involving heroes not acting very heroic. My favorite is one that involves a couple of the main characters who get into a tangle with Batman and Robin. Kenyon definitely shows Batman and Robin in a new light that is comical and edgy.

Not only was it a fast read, but it is one of those books that you do not have to think hard about and it is an entertaining way to tune out for the day while getting some laughs. A few times, I even thought to myself, “did he really just say that?” Those moments were even as comical as the storyline itself.

I will admit, the stories may not be for everyone. But if you have a quirky sense of humor, like short stories adventures that are unique and want to read a book unlike any others that I have ever read, then If Mistakes Could Fly, You’d Be a Superhero is for you! Personally, I do like strange and off-beat so I really enjoyed reading about the adventures, or should I say misadventures that the characters take part in and found it very entertaining. #review

Check it out on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00K3XNKVK

For a chance to win a free copy of this ebook, post below by October 27th, 2014!

I received one or more of the products mentioned above for free using Tomoson.com. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers.

A Heinous Crime


While the family innocently slumbered in their warm beds, unbeknownst to them all, a heinous crime was being committed during the twilight hours in another part of their dwellings.

Upon wakening in the early Saturday hours, the amazing Mom stumbled out of bed, rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she staggered out of her room…….and into a crime scene!!! Dun Dun Dunnnn……….
20141011_065107

EEEK!! *faint* The Horror!!*sigh* When will the violence END?! *shudder*

Even though no body has been recovered as of yet, the ample signs of violence was all the proof the wonderful mom needed in order to realize that yes, a wrongful death has once again taken place. Never fear, as you read this, a search is on to locate the remains and lay them to rest.

In any case, due to the overwhelming evidence, four suspects are currently in custody. One even decided to independently admit herself to the clink, though I have a hunch she is not the mastermind behind this event of terror. Framed to take the fall. I am sure she is being used to throw me off the trail. Another victim, if you will. Oh, shredder of squeakies, whoever you are, you are good. But, not as good as me.

2014-10-11 06.54.54

I WILL find out who did this! No one dies in vain in my house! There will be JUSTICE!

WAIT! Hold the phone! Stop the presses! There has been a report of a sighting of the possible victim’s body. I am quickly heading over there now and……..

20141011_071353

P.E.T.R.A!!!! (said with pure disdain)! I should have known it was YOUUUUU! The guilty always return to the scene of the crime and this time, you even brought the souvenir. The body. Case solved. Poor Mr. Blue Crab. You did not deserve such a torturous end.

Ohhhh Petra (sob, cry), I thought you were raised so much better than that (sniff).

Wait! OMG! Is that….could it be……..SAY IT ISN’T SOOOO!!! PETTRRAAAAA……..NNNOOOOOOOOOO!

20141011_072505

Ohhhh, how could you?! It is not just one victim that fell upon your cruel and evil ways. During her feeble attempt to hide the limp remains of Mr. Crab, Petra was unaware that she ultimately revealed the true devastation. Sadly, horrifically, I am speechless *gasp* I have uncovered a mass murder. I better go. This crime scene needs to be taped off. Back-up is being called in. I cannot collect the evidence and secure this area alone. It will take hours to perform autopsies and see which parts belong with which innocent life lost. Wait! Maybe someone can still yet be saved?! Stand back, I am certified in BLS (bring life to stuffies)!

BTW- Incase you were wondering why the mom that is perfection was awake at such an early hour, she was making sure her son was up in time for his SATs. You will have to check out that post to learn more about that! https://didyouhearwhatjulessaid.wordpress.com/2014/10/10/sats/

SATs


Many, many years ago, I studied for the dreaded SATs and after I took the test, I am not sure if I was more relieved that they were over or at the thought I would never have to do it again. But, either way….goodie for me!

Fast forward to 1996. My awesome Son, Ryan, was born. Did the thought of SATs ever cross my mind? Not really. Actually, not at all. Perhaps the shooting pains as my body was physically separating while bargaining for methods to just blackout and trying to pass a watermelon with huge feet blocked out any visions of the future. Looking back, if I would have realized about the SAT studying that would be involved in 2014, I might have told the doctors to just leave him in there. Permanently.

Moving forward. Welcome to October, 2014. Between 1996 and 2014 are not important, just your usual toddler years involving projectile vomiting in Toys R Us (him, not me. Though I just about joined him once he was done. Curdled milk anyone?), potty training (peeing on cheerios, always a good time. Again, him, not me), typical preschool years of adjusting to his new twin sisters and wondering why their “parts” were missing, onto the early elementary era which involved the usual childhood events like a traumatic bike accident that took place on a flat cemented sidewalk and causing him to be hospitalized for a week with spleen and liver contusions and bruised ribs. Did I mention the bike had training wheels? I swear, you had to have seen it to believe it and no, he will never live it down. Yes, he had his helmet on. Then onto Middle School, where all preteens are kidnapped and invaded by moody, mouthy and irresponsible body snatchers while your child inwardly goes dormant only to resurface once puberty is over as a beautiful butterfly or young adult. They both drink a lot of sugar water, so whichever. We refer to those as the Dark Years. Which brings us to High School where he reemerged once again as my long lost Son and my reward for all those years of insanity? I now get to help him study for the SATs. Wait, what?! Can there at least be some wine involved (Ok, this time, me not him).

Who invented the SATs anyway and my other question is, why?? Oh sure it makes sense as a young person hoping and praying to get in the College of your dreams. That is all you and your friends talked about. But as an adult and having to be on the other side of the wallet while you schedule the exam, pay for the test, order books for studying, flash cards for reviewing and spend hours trying to get your child to study and/or helping them study? Oh and the icing on the cake, I can only imagine the conversation between the SAT inventors, “Hhmmmm, how can we make his even more irritating for all involved. We already got their money, increased the stress the household. Gave their moms’ a few more gray hairs. Huh. Wait!I know, let’s make the test start at 7:00 am on a Saturday! There, that should do it!” It is obvious, the whole thing is a scam for money and just another way kids can drive their parents insane. One other explanation, Karma.

Helping my son study for the SATs is even worse than the first time I had to study. No one told me I would have to do it twice in a life. Then, I realized; wait, I have 2 more kids……..I need Advil. Or more wine. Maybe wine with Advil.

Update (kid you not)-

While using the flashcards: “Ryan, what is eclectic?” “When you have seizures.”

Also, the card for “dubious,” the example sentence is, and I quote, “Many critics of the SAT contend that the test is of dubious worth: they doubt the test accurately predicts which students will succeed in college.” Finally, someone with some common sense! And yes, he got that one wrong too.

Leprechaun, Invisible Money Tree or the Cash Fairy


Not sure which one my Twins are hiding in their room, but it has to be one of them. They literally find cash in their room, just laying around under the beds, in pockets, pajama drawers, etc. It doesn’t matter. They are never actually looking for it, money just appears. Nice, huh?

Not too long ago, I forced them to do a deep clean of their room. Within a couple of hours, they found a total of close to $100.00 by the time they were done. Honest. It was a combination of coins and bills, scattered about their room in miscellaneous places. I quickly realized after they started doing the happy dance and talking about how they were going to spend their newfound fortune, I should have cleaned their room. It would have been the quickest and easiest $100.00 I would have ever made.

Just now, one of my girls was looking through an old backpack she found in her closet and pulled her hand out of a side pocket and exclaimed, “Oh look! $40.00!” WTF?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! I ask, “When is that backpack from?” Her response, “I think 6th grade. I dunno can’t remember.” She is currently in 8th grade.

I swear, if they were not so young and naively innocent regarding life, I would wonder if/what their side job might be. Maybe they just enter their room and ask for money and the Cash Fairy leaves it like Easter Eggs here and there, ya know, to at least make them work for it. Perhaps their furniture was made out of a fallen money tree. I would be freaked out though if some small man in pointy shoes was actually hiding in their room; money or not. So, we will pretend that is not an option. One last possibility is that they are just slobs who both suffer tragically from STS (shiny thing syndrome). My hunch is lazy STS sufferers. Who knows? Either way, I know what room I am going to be talking to myself in tomorrow.

My Take On DIY Projects


I am the first to admit, I was not a DIYselfer. Heck, I didn’t even know what the letters stood for, I swear! But, since I am no longer working due to my CBGD illness and I have always considered myself a ‘independent workaholic,’ I refocused my energies on how to save money for me and my family. I figured it was a twofer, saving money and also keeping me moving at my own pace while using my brain cells for more than just remembering my meds. You know what they say, use it or lose it.

First Step~ I googled the heck out of the subject “what is cheaper to make than buy.’ It got to the point I think Google even irritatedly groaned out of boredom whenever I logged into my laptop. What I found though was an untapped source of mass knowledge (ok, obviously many other people knew about this and I admit, I felt a little more than fashionably late to the party) regarding DIY, how to save money, etc. Of course, all of it was true because it wouldn’t be on the internet if it wasn’t.

Second Step~ Accepting the fact that all of the information was not true. I could elaborate, but I assume it is not necessary.

Third Step~ Reigning in the excitement. You know what I mean, find something new and you get the adrenaline pumping and suddenly you think there is nothing you cannot do or handle! You are INVINCIBLE! So, after you compose your list of all the new and wondrous ways regarding how you are going to save tons of money, become so self sufficient that you never have to enter a grocery store ever again…like, ever, while providing healthier alternatives for your life and family, reality suddenly snaps you back in place and you ask yourself, “Self, as cool as it would be, does my family really need a solar powered hot dog cooker?” While I admit, my family still cooks our wienies the old fashioned way of my ancestors, in the microwave, some of the ideas were legitimately good and full of common sense. Hence the list was cut down….dramatically. You have no idea. Goodbye homemade submarine, it would have been fun (could you imagine the money saved on family vacations?!).

Fourth Step~ Taking the revised list, seeing what you already have around the house for the needed ingredients, then making your shopping list. This step should be self explanatory, well to most people. What I found out though, I have a lot of crap shoved in many places around the house. It was almost like Christmas Morning and Nesting While Pregnant had a love child. Assume there will be nausea and vomiting involved. Not a pretty site. So, my glorious anticipation regarding immediately starting DIY projects was viciously attacked by the Clean out the Crap monster. Well, that’s no fun at all. Once I finished acting like a 2 year-old in a toy store after not getting the latest Barney toy (did Barney finally die? I admit I am aging myself, have not dealt with a 2 year-old in a while. Oh well, no important)), I begrudgingly got started.

Fifth Step~ Now buying what you need and listening to your spouse constantly ask while looking at receipts, “How is this supposed to save us money?” Best we just skip this step, if you don’t mind.

Sixth Step~ Euphoria! Sound the harps! Cue the Angels! AWWWHHHHHH…… The moment we have been waiting for! The time that all of our training, blood, sweat and tears has earned and will now pay off! The moment you realize that some people on the internet are totally full of *#$%.

Seventh Step~ Weeding out the good, the bad and the ugly. Yes, some DIY projects will fail so miserably to the point we will not even discuss those. Either they just do not work, the ingredients they used must have been bought in the 1950’s which is how they saved money (If only grandma would have left me her flour), or I apparently no longer remember physics and cannot decipher the instructions to begin with. Stay calm though, there is some good that will come out of it. There are DIY ideas that actually work! Shocking, I know. I was more relieved, a basic, “OH THANK GOD,” moment once I found one.

Eighth Step~ Pace yourself. You do not need to do all the projects in one day. I like to start one or two a week. Much easier to point fingers are the loser that way rather than blame a poor innocent DIY who is still trying and does not deserve improper judgment…….at least not yet. MUUUAAWWWHAHAHA……

Ninth Step~ I really don’t have much to put here, I just wanted 10 steps. Call me selfish.

Tenth Step~ You now know what works, what doesn’t, which ones to keep and which ones to bury in the backyard (I swear no DIY leftovers where harmed in the making of this post and nothing is actually buried in my backyard. OK, you got me, quit pressuring me! I will crack, I think there are a couple frogs and possibly a guinea pig. Whew. Unless their tiny little bones would have totally disintegrated and turned to dust by now. In that case, nothing is buried in our backyard). Bottom line, if it is not family approved and save us money (or at least break even), it is voted off the Island (There is a whole ceremony and everything. It’s awesome).

I am happy to report, there are quite a few DIY staples in our house now:

Laundry Detergent

Toothpaste

Granola bars

Bread

Peanut Butter (any kind of nut butter)

Chili

Mac and Cheese

Vanilla

Greenhouse (misc herbs, fruits and veggies)

Trail mix

Some cleaners

Pizza

Some other food items, but you get the idea

Soon-to-be or at least try:

Bagels

Gluten/dairy free breads

English muffins

Mayonnaise

Hummus

Salad dressings

Sun screen

I do have a list of other projects, but as I said, it is all about pacing myself. What I am surprised about is how much fun I am having and that it does help not only our pocketbook, but also to get me up and moving. Bottom line, I recommend DIY projects, honest. I swear on my bread machine! I would say on my children’s lives, but let’s face it, they’ve never made me homemade bread. Nuff said.

Look who is a big boy now


For every bug that’s eaten in a greenhouse, a praying mantis gets its wings. Seems like just yesterday Kenny showed up in the mail so tiny and frail. Barely big enough to eat tiny little fruit flies, but he is a big boy now. They grow up so fast…..*sniff* *sniff* Oh and Kenny, for the record~ The greenhouse is big enough for the both of us and I tremendously appreciate all that you do. That said, if you fly in my face though, I may or may not smack you across the greenhouse. Fair warning.

P.S. Your eyes are still creepy.